New Beginnings.

There is a good chance I have titled at least on blog post with this title.  And that is because I have had several 'fresh starts' in the last 4 years.  To recap...

Moved to Florida
Met a boy
Stayed in Florida
Agreed to marry the boy
Promptly freaked out and ended the relationship
Moved back to Utah
Found a best friend
Found a new boyfriend
Breakup with boyfriend (press repeat button for roughly a year and a half)
Move in with best friend
Break up with best friend (major trauma)
Move into own apartment
Work drama happening throughout
Get fired from job
A few months later can no longer pay rent on awesome one bedroom apt.
Find new house with strangers
Move in with strangers

And now we are caught up.  So now that thats done I can fill you in on the rest.  Turns out my new house and roommates are all super awesome.  I adore everyone of them for all of their own reasons.  I have also made a few super awesome friendships in the past few months. I am grateful daily that I have these people in my life for so many reasons.  End cheese.  I am still jobless and starting to feel the effects of that.  Ugh.  Hopefully have a few awesome jobs on the horizon.  That or maybe that guy with the giant check and the balloons will show up on my door and I can go on watching SVU for days at a time.  Oh that Stabler gets me everytime. *sigh*.

One new thing has happened to me that I really didn't expect.  I can cook.  I can also bake.  No I do not open a box add an egg and veggie oil and place in the oven.  PALEASE! It makes me sad just thinking about it.  My new hobby is that I love to make delicious things to put in your mouth.  And apparently so do other people.  My roommates are starting to complain that I am going to make them fat.  I told them to go for a walk.  I have developed a new passion.  The most exciting thing about this is that it is, except for photography,  the only hobby I have ever done, started, tried because I wanted to.  I have a really bad habit of adopting hobbies of friends and particularly boyfriends.  Oh you like to rock climb? I LOVE rock climbing... I did it once like 6 years ago.  Don't get me wrong I have found a few things that I enjoy doing from those friends and ex's... but not like this. Not even close.  I can, and have, spend hours upon hours reading cooking/baking blogs searching out recipes that I will just die if I don't get a chance to make them. I have made quite a few successful things in the last month or so and I won't be stopping anytime soon.  Unfortunately I have only taken photos of a few of them.  There is a good chance that this blog is going to turn into a baking blog.  Because it seems to be the only thing I want to do and or talk about these days.  Either that or I will make a separate blog if I am feeling so enthusiastic. We will see.  Clearly I'm not exactly a daily blogger as it is. 

I'm not even going to say that's going to change... because whenever I do I go at least 6 months before I even open it again. 

So there you have it.  Things and stuff.

Getting back into the habit. or at least trying to.

August?  Seriously that was the last time I posted anything?  Well honestly its probably better considering anything I would have been writing about would have come across as just plain whiny.  And nobody likes a winier.  Lets just say I have learned a lot this year... and somehow I don't think the lessons are even close to over. 

I spent a good amount of time in therapy since august for several reasons.  I covered all the basics,  daddy issues, work pressure,  self worth blah blah blah.  I can't knock it though I learned more about me than I thought possible... I mean come on how could I not know me?  That is just silly. I am grateful for my time there however as a result I hit my bottom... a few more times than I thought was possible.  I mean isn't it called rock bottom for a reason?  That's what I thought too.  To sum up... I've been in trouble with the law,  I was promoted at work and almost a week later I was fired,  I had a wonderful visit from my ex,  I had wonderful feelings for that ex return which was just scary to be honest.  So to sum up,  I am currently unemployed,  on probation and trying to work through the fact that the guy I'm crazy about lives across the country... a guy that I was engaged to... a guy that I left.  How effed up is that... this is why everyone needs a therapist.  And sometimes medication.  Yeah thats right... but hey its working. 

So where to go from here?  It feels like the next few weeks will be taken one day at a time,  not that two or three at a time is an option,  but I have to move out of my amazing one bedroom apartment into a fairly awesome townhouse with two roommates.  I have to pack and move in 2 weeks.  Ugh.  Adjusting to roommates is going to be so much fun.  I have a few months more of probation which I can't wait for that to be over.  Its torturous.  Seriously.  And as far as Jamie goes... well we will just have to see.  First priority is to find an effing job.  I spent some time,  and by that I mean I have been significantly more lazy than I would like to admit over the last few months,  just taking it easy and trying not to worry about anything... except of course not worrying didn't happen.  But I just basically took advantage of not working... I mean when does that really happen?  But now I'm bored.  REALLY bored.  Netflix officially owns my soul I'm sure of it. 

So that is the catch up.  hopefully I can break my bad habit of writing a post or two and then nothing for months at a time.  

ah honey honey.

Its been so long since I've felt this I'm not even sure where to begin. I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I had lost, someone/something/some feeling, the way I have today. This afternoon, this hour, this minute. This feeling of wanting nothing more than to feel nothing at all. Numbness=bliss. Now I know that this is not the way to go about it so I have limited myself to two glasses of tasty white wine. I have illuded to the feelings and to my current emotional state. I am trying to define what those emotions are. First I'm sad, really just devestated. Second I'm angry, cheated. Third just hopeless. I am always, to a fault, willing and ready to jump in head first to something new. A new fling, new relationship and almost always ready to fall in love. However I am rarely the one to be left. I am usually the one with one foot out the door bags packed ready to go before they even see it coming. The last time I had my heart hurt this way I was 18. I knew it could happen, but didn't necessicarily believe it would. Not because I'm cocky or think I'm too good to be leave... not at all, that's obsurd. I think that because it had been so long I forgot how easily it can happen. And well you get the idea... it has. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Since the first kiss I knew I was in trouble. He knew it too.

It was fast and it was real and it was scary. But it was good. I said more than once in gushing girl conversations that I knew from that first kiss that I was giving him the power to to hurt me and I was scared he would. I was constantly intimidated by him. Which was new. He made me want to be the best possible version of myself. Which in turn drew out insecurities I wasn't even aware of. Or at least I thought I had overcome them. These things also scared the shit out of me. In my best efforts to be me. The real version. I opened myself up to the potential of the frame by frame romance that was starting to come to life. There are several conversations that made and secured this for me. One inparticular... I had a nervous feeling that this may be all in my head and my head alone. In an effort to protect my already open self I point blank said in short... I am notin this to screw around. I am crazy about you and I think we could/can have something really good here so if that is not where your head is at then tell me. Right now. Here is your out. At that point he stood up from my bed crossed the room, cradled my face in his hands, looked me good and hard in the eyes and in the most sinciere tone told me that he was in it. That it scared the shit out of him but that he knew it was too good to let it go. Then he said that he had a feeling that this was so much bigger than either of us could wrap our heads around. This conversation gave me obvious hope and confidence about where we were headed. All I can do now is wonder what happened to that conversation, that look, the kiss that sealed it all.

I am in no way saying that he was the one, who knows that, or if we would have survived a year. But what I am saying and can say with a little bit of certainty is that we, he and I, have been cheated of something. Whatever that was or is or could be. We were cheated of it. I keep hoping that he will show up at my door. Which I know is unrealistic and very fairy tale-esk... and this being the other side of whatever that fairy tale looks like... a week at the beach just couldn't come fast enough... less than 36 hours and I will be on an airplane which will hopefully help cushion all of this. Whatever this is. Or was.

This week was a tough one... no let me start that over. This summer has been a tough one. My family has been going through a lot this summer, starting with the rapid decline in health shortly following the death of my grandmother. As expected as death can be it rarely makes it any easier. We had all been expecting or comfortable with the idea of my grandmothers passing. She was suffering from alzimers and the disease had taken over who she was. Through the process of hospice care and into funeral plans and arrangements I saw a different side to my parents than I had ever seen. They were both strong and making sure that everything was taken care of. Making sure siblings and most importantly my grandfather were taken care of. They grieved in smaller groups or alone at home. I witnessed grief in a way that I had never considered. We mourned her and that she was no longer with us, but we also celebrated her life. Laughing and telling stories that made her the woman she was, the woman we all remember from before her mind started to go. I had some amazing conversations with my parents about life and what it means to really live and love. We all bonded in ways that could only come from my grandmother passing.

This past week we recieved word that my parents good friend Lisa had died. Lisa was 43 and in perfect health. She was happily married with three children all in their teens. The story we heard was that she was going for her daily run and collapsed. While arrangements for the funeral were being made and our family trip plans were being changed I watched my mother closely. I had called her as soon as I heard what had happened. I could hear the shock in her voice and the tears in her eyes as we spoke. It was just a general feeling of how the hell could this have happened? My mother is 3 years older than Lisa. I can't say for certain but I think this is the first close friend she has had pass before her time. Among my family and our close friends who knew Lisa I was apart of and overheard conversations about how short life can be, how precious life is, and that really... it could be any of us. Lisa had a stroke, with no evidence in her heart of blocks or buildups or clots this is just bizarre. The funeral took place yesterday and it was a truly beautiful service, and as it happens Lisa had revised her living will only 2 months before... so everything we experienced was exactly what Lisa wanted.

Death comes in so many forms it terrifys us to think about our mortality on a regular basis. For some reason It has been in my thoughts a lot lately. In hearing about Lisa my thoughts immediately go to thoughts of that could just as easily been my mother. This thought shook me to my core. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without her around for any part of what I have already experienced and what I will eventually experience. She is such an important person to me and has taught me how to be the woman that I am. She has taught me how to love. I cherish my relationship with my mother and through all of this I am reminded that I need to tell her that more. Obviously not just her... everyone who is important in my life. So this is my way of reminding anyone interested. Don't wait. Ever. Tell those that you love that you love them. You can never say it enough. One day you won't have the chance and you will wish that you had just one more time, one more minute, one more I love you.

Staying Positive.

Right now in my world my emotions are super back and forth. It seems that my typical indecisiveness is being taken to a whole other level. I'm not sure that I can pin point it on any one thing. First there is the chronic pain issue. Which of course is still unresolved. After recovering from surgery I had about a week... ONE WEEK of no pain. In that week I couldn't sit still. Being pain free was totally liberating. I played soccer, I went for walks everyday, I enjoyed every minute of working a 13 hour day all because I did it without pain. Keep in mind it has essentially been years since I was able to do that. About three days ago I was laying on my bedroom floor trying to decide what to do on a Saturday night when I felt it. That all too familiar pain. ugh. I went to the doctor today and we are trying something new. Fingers crossed that its successful. They gave me the Depo shot. Which is basically three months worth of birth control injected into your hip, let me just say how much it freaking hurts! Right before she injected it I was asking how much it would hurt because I hate shots... thats when she noticed my tattoo and said something to the effect of "wait your complaining of a little poke when you've got that big thing on your back... come on Amanda this is nothing." and she was right... it was nothing. But as the night rolls on it feels like something the size of a golf ball is growing and turning in my hip and oh man is it sore. Anyway... in the world of effectively trying to stay on top of it all... regardless of pain I am still out there. Still playing. Granted I may have to give up a little sooner than I would like, Say for example half way up a mountain, but at least I'm doing it. My motivating factor is that one day it will be better. Notice how I say will be and not might be, despite what my doctor says. I won't let this control my life anymore. I refuse. I have too much life to live and too little time to do it.

One of my favorite people and best friends sent me a message today that was totally inspiring. It was as if she wrote it knowing that it was going straight into the deepest part of my being to shine a little bit of much needed positive light in there. Molly has changed my life in more ways than she knows. She was an inspiration to me before I even knew I needed inspiring. Before we even began to call each other friend. She is a force to be reckoned with and a person I plan to know for as many days as our lives allow us. These are her words of wisdom...

We are all full of dialogue, inner monologue that fills up our brains and infects our space. We drift along in the space time continuum warp known as our brains, prisoners to the very barriers we ourselves erect. We concern ourselves with thinking about farcical things that could be, should be, would be; and than we erect those fallacies and spew them as truth. An undying loyatly can go so far for someone who is uneducated concerning the snake-like twists of man’s inner soul. It’s so much easier to believe what we are told, to re-tell what we have heard rather than to think for ouselves. To follow in the steps of someone with a large personality but a small heart is so much easier than to forge our own path, uphill, through the ripping brambles. To be our own person is seen as impossible, but to be someone else for someone else is so easy, like a second skin, a warm coat on a cold winter night, or a snuggly partner on a lonely night. To seek what our own soul desires requires inner reflection, inner reflection means delving into the deep darkness that is our internal us. If we don’t look long enough all we see is darkness, our mental eyes don’t adjust fast enough and we rip ourselves free of the void, slamming and locking the yawning chasm behind us. To be free from the darkness is a price we will pay to blindly follow those with big feet and bigger personalitities. But suppose we stood, and we look around us, shut our eyes, mumbled to 100 and than re-opened our eyes, what would we see? Not dim, dank, darkness, but a spreading golden glow, light at first as we are unaccostumed to it’s brilliance, your inner you doesn’t want to scare you, she wants to enlighten you, enliven you, enrich you. She wants to fill you up with her joy so that you can spew forth goldness and glory rather than hate filled chunks. To be in tune with ones self is a rare and precious gift, it cannot be overcome by minor trivialities or setbacks so long as you know that you are following YOUR dream, not the standard line and reply of another persons step-by-step instructions. To be free, truly free, one must embrace the darkness to find the gold.

I am in a far better place in my life than when I first met Molly. I have come so far. I have to thank the women in my life for that. Mandy, Emily and Molly. These women have saved me, shaken me, inspired me, comforted me, supported me, and most of all they have loved me as much as I have loved them. I truly believe that one of the only things that gets us through it all, the good the bad and the ugly, are the people you surround yourself with. I can't put into words the life saving qualities that each of these women posses. So in my own way... Thank you ladies, for all that you are, for all that you do, and for everything you have given me. Each of you has changed me in a way that means the world. You are my people, I need you in my life.

9 months.

Nine months. A lot can happen in nine months. And so much has I don't even know where to start. Except to clarify that I did not have a baby. There is no way to sum up the last 9 months in one blog so eventually I will come back to that. I've grown, I've changed, I've learned to love again, I've learned to love myself again and most importantly... I'm happy again.

I've been meaning to start writing again for a long time now but could never find the right words. Not that I really have them now but I'm looking for them. Granted I am struggling through a relatively frustrating situation right now so I'm trying to work through it. Trying to get back on top. I've spent the last nine months getting happy... with only one thing to really hold me back. Pain. The same pain I've talked about often. Except that it was getting increasingly worse. So last time I went to the doctor and asked yet again if there was anything we could do... he said that the next step was to "go in and take a look around". Surgery. So when I had had enough I was supposed to call and book it.

It took about 6 weeks for me to hit a wall. To finally break down and schedule the surgery. I was tired. Tired of being in pain, tired of not being able to go on a hike or a long walk, tired of not being able to have sex without it almost immediately hurting afterwards, tired of not feeling normal. I hit the wall, I broke down and booked the surgery. I booked it because this was going to give me an answer. It was going to give me a solution. I was finally going to be fixed.

Literally up until I was wheeled off into surgery my spirits were high. I was going to be fixed. I wasn't scared of what they would find, I wasn't scared of the recovery or the pain. I was just looking forward to the answer. My answer. My solution.

Once I came out of surgery I found out that the answer I thought I was going to get was... well... the same thing I've been told for the last few years. Cysts. I was told by several doctors thatbirth control would keep the cysts from growing. But now I'm being told that birth control usually keeps them from growing. Usually. Funny that this is the first time anyone has used this word to me.

I go into see my doctor in a few weeks for a follow up and to discuss any options. But according to him some women are just in pain until they go away. Do you know what that means? Babies. That's what that means. Most women that struggle with cysts in their 20s, me, have them go away when they start popping out kids. Needless to say I feel like I've hit that wall again... except this time... there is no solution. There is no quick fix or way out. There is no answer.

So today has been a day of emotional reconstruction. Trying to find ways to get positive and motivated to continue to live my life in constant pain. This won't be easy but I'm trying. I let myself hit a low point yesterday but I've also convinced myself that that's as low as I'm allowed to get. Period. Its not going to do me any good to feel sorry for myself. And who knows maybe we will find something that works.

I've spent nine months getting happy again. My life is full of color and good people. I am not about to let that... any of that get away from me now. I have learned how easy it is to let it get away. I have worked to hard for too long to let that happen again. Dark and twisty for a day. That's all you get. Sure there will be other bad days. It goes along with having a pulse.

Something about Oz.

I'm going to skip a few steps... the day I flew home was an emotional one for sure. Emotional but important. Once i got on that plane I had no doubts. It wasn't that I really had doubts before but lets face it... I have a vagina. I get emotional. I slept for a few hours on the first flight, I read a bit, I watched a bit of How I Met Your Mother. But I couldn't really concentrate on any of it. I had a great conversation with the girl next to me about life in general. Why I was leaving Florida. About her party weekend in Vegas with a group of girlfriends. It was great because it just kept me distracted. I had about an hour and a half layover in Vegas. Struck up a conversation with a really nice bartender. Had a beer and before I knew it I was boarding my second flight... my second flight of my one way ticket.

I slept a little more but it was like once the plane was flying over the mountain tops I was wide awake. I couldn't do anything but stare out the window... boy was I glad I snagged that window seat. I was listened to some great music on the entire descent. It was truly an amazing experience. Knowing all that I was leaving behind but not being afraid or worried or anything that one might feel in my situation. I just was. I was alone with my thoughts even though the plane was packed full of people. I was totally alone. I loved it.

Honestly it has been five days since I've been home and I feel totally comfortable with the decisions I've made. I know that they were the best for me especially because of how everything is now. I have had 5 wonderful days of time with my family and friends... except one but I promise to see her very soon and you know who you are. It will all progress... it will all be what it needs to be and I couldn't be happier. So many people have told me how wonderful I look and how genuinly happy I look. To be totally honest... I feel it.

I don't have many regrets in life. In fact I pride myself on not regretting. Everything is a learning experience. I can take something from everything. And thats what I'm doing right now. Really soaking in all of the information and all of what I have learned with my time in Florida because thats what it was. That might hurt some people but its true. I am happy to be home. I have some awesome plans for the future in the works. Possibly a great transatlantic trip in the works... fingers crossed. More experiences.. more life. I can't wait to see what the next days... weeks... months bring but I am in high anticipation for all of it.

I just have to throw this in... I saw Julie and Julia the other day and absloutley loved it in the motivating I want to do something with my time way. But we will see. One of the Biggest goals... Do stuff. No limitations on that... just being productive and getting out. Seeing people. Old friends, new friends. Anyway. this blog stopped being productive about a paragraph ago... so I'm going to go ahead and wrap this up.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.