Fighting Ghosts.

So i'm a little fucked up. apperantly. I'm worring myself a little. why the hell do i put myself through this shit? when did i become such a massicist? i gusse i've always been this way. Its like i want to prove to myself that i make you happier than you've ever been so i go looking for evidence of your past relationships to be sure that i'm the best for you and i always find things even when i don't really mean to. things like pictures of exes. hearing stories from people finding out that you loved them. how much i'll never know not that i want to. like today i stumbled on something irrelivant and started searching. fucking myspace and the unlimited amounts of comments from years ago. YEARS. and it still gets to me... this
i cant wait baby...1 week...i cant wait to see you and hold you...i miss you so much and i love you with all my heart and soul...with everthing that i am...and with everything that i will ever be...always and forever...ps...BLINDFOLD....I love youYFE MFE
fucking kills me. why?!?! why the fuck do i go looking! what is wrong with me that i have to find this shit. and were you happier with her? love her more than me? have better sex with her? why do i let this get me. i'm physically shaking with anger and irrational fear over this chick you apperantly loved so many years ago. and no this isn't the only one. and your not the only person i've done this with but its never been this bad. its never hurt this much to think i'm not the only one. i know i'm the only one now. we're living together and with the exception of these freakouts i'm the happiest i've ever been.
so why? is it my ever reoccuring daddy issues? is it because my stepmother resented me as an eight year old as a major threat and treated me as such? is it because of the several times i was left for the exgirlfriend who was prettier/smartter/kinkier than me? is it because i'm still convinced i was cheated on in my first real realtionship when i was 18? i don't know but i know it has to stop. it causes a stupid fight and stupid tears that shouldn't matter. why am i constantly fighting ghosts?