Emotion of Choice.

Something hit me the other day... maybe I'm having a hard time living in Florida because I'm not really LIVING in Florida.  Since the day I moved to the Sunshine state the plan was to always move back to Utah.  The place that at one time I thought I would once leave and never go back too,  until that is,  I left.  Now it seems that I want nothing more than to move back.  I have fallen more and more in love with the place I grew up,  the place i still refer to as home.  Its where my heart is and where so many of my memories are. So maybe part of my biggest problem is this... 

When I moved to Florida it was for the experience,  to create memories,  to live life away from everything I have ever known.  When i stopped enjoying Orlando and we decided to move to West Palm I had told myself that I would enjoy it more,  I would get more out of it and that it would make me happy.  I keep moving around trying thinking that just the move will make me happy,  apparently forgetting how hard it is to start over.  I've done it a few times now,  I should have learned that its never easy.... In fact I'm starting to think that relocating so often is getting harder and harder.  

I had made some pretty good friends in Orlando,  I had also lost quite a few while I was there (blog for another day).  Of course West Palm Beach is only a three hour drive from Orlando and we had many promises from friends who said they would visit,  most of them empty.  We visit Orlando a lot,  not as often as i would like but thats just the way it goes sometimes.  It seems like every time we go up there are less and less people around that want to hang out.  This is just what happens.  I can't expect that friends aren't going to move on with their lives and have other plans.  Not a big deal.  The problem isn't really friends lost its more about the fact that I haven't really made any new friends  to fill the gap.  This is my fault... I haven't made the effort to step out of the box and meet people. Quite honestly I've been here for so long without friends that I wouldn't even know where to begin.   

So back to the point I was making with the beginning of the blog is that because my mind frame has always been to eventually leave Florida and that date is pretty much past due and long out of sight I haven't really been living.  Now that I'm aware of this... how do I change it?  Back in Utah making friends was as easy as going out for a cup of coffee.  It was possible and usually very likely to sit down and strike up a conversation with a total stranger and become good friends.  Here at the local Starbucks (apparently the only place in florida that sells coffee) everyone is so involved in whatever it is that they are doing they won't even make eye contact let alone slip out a semi-friendly hello.  People that I have worked with since i've been in south florida have all been eager to share stories about their fun weekends and bar experiences but obviously reluctant to extend an invitation.  Occasionally numbers and potential plans were made but always fell threw.  Always.  So really my efforts aren't for lack of trying.  

What to do?  I hate feeling like all I do is whine but like I said before the bottom of everything is awfully uncomfortable, not to mention lonely.  Honestly I'm pretty fed up with the way that I feel.  But more and more numb is becoming the emotion of choice.