Something to look forward to... FINALLY!

At my office yesterday one of my favorite coworkers commented on how much weight I had lost.  Uh?  what?  I hadn't noticed and in fact I had assumed that I was gaining weight.  Considering my inactivity lately because of the pinched nerve I can hardly be on my feet for very long let alone working out.  I can't even play my favorite Wii Fit games without feeling like I'm going to die.  So loosing weight?  How can this be?  The only thing I can figure is that its probably emotional weight.  I'm not exactly a ball of sunshine these days and it feels very similar to the seasonal affect depression that used to hit me every winter back in Utah.  SADs is directly related to months and months of snow and in SLC we usually get pretty bad temperature inversions,  Salt Lake is one of the only places I know of that calls pollution an "inversion"  I remember one year in the winter between December and February we had 5 days of sun in the valley.  5 days!! It was terrible.  There were also ways I knew how to cope that didn't include therapy twice a week.   Somehow I don't think that I can call what I'm experiencing now seasonal depression.  Sure its wintertime but its also 75 degrees and sunny.  Gah.  One of the "in the beginning" benefits of spending a year in Florida was that I got to skip winter for a year and hopefully avoid the dreaded anxiety and not wanting to get out of bed for three straight months.  I have experienced other forms of depression in my past most of them I had gone through in junior high and high school... the times i refer to as my own version of hazing into the real world.  Long story short I had quite a few "daddy issues"  and tried any thing and everything.  Bulimia, Anorexia, Cutting, Pill popping,  Sex (not the good kind).  It was not my proudest years.  However after a lot of self work and digging into my deepest memories and emotions I worked through it.  I pulled myself out of the deep dark hole I had some how found myself in.  This also feels different than that.  I'm struggling for the words to explain my feelings.  I need an out. 

I know from experience that just ditching the environment doesn't work.  Removing yourself from the situation isn't always the cure.  I tried that once before.  Mandy suggested that maybe I need a break,  go home for a little while and take some space and a few deep breaths except I know that if  I don't solve the problem it will only follow me wherever I go.  I hate feeling this helpless.  Not to mention lonely.  Jamies job keeps him away for what feels like days at a time he comes home when I am waking up to get ready for work and he picks me up from work and gets home before he has to head out.  I think its putting more of a strain on our relationship than we are willing to admit.  

I finally have a few things to look forward to.  This weekend my cousin Emily and her husband Craig are coming to florida to visit,  they are living up in DC, to get away from the bitter cold.  I am so excited to see them!  Neither of them have been to Disneyworld and Jamie and I go pretty often and its always so exciting to go with people that have never gone.  I have a memory of when Emily and I were really young,  I think i was four and she was Five.  It was one of our first times to Disneyland.  Our parents dressed us in the same outfits everyday and we ran around like the world was ours.  here we are 18 years later,  all grown up and living our own lives.  The world literally at our fingertips.  Except that I'm not sure that either of us have quite figured out what that means.   We grew up very close.  practically like sisters.  I cherish the relationship I have with her as much as it has changed over the years she is still one of the most important people in my life.  So at least for this weekend I can get really excited about getting away from this crampy apartment, that I am finding myself locked away in everyday,  getting Jamie away from the Job,  getting away from my job and seeing one of my sisters.  This weekend is LONG overdue!