finding my inspiration.

I have decided that part of my problem is lack of inspiration. When I am in school I am usually inspired but at least on class, be it the teacher, subject matter, or just pure interest. Photographs. Written word. Travel. Art. Deep conversation with a complete stranger or an old friend for that matter. I am completely uninspired. Its sad really. I know that I am a talented person. I have hobbies that I enjoy. Except that I have allowed myself to become lazy. I can't remember the last time I went on a photo adventure. My friend Heidi and I used to get in the car with noting but our cameras several rolls of film (I am a film junkie) coffee and cigarettes and head somewhere totally random. Canyons, cemeterys, parks, the mall. Anything we could use to our advantage. We would be each others modles and dress up in old clothes from my parents closet or a thrift store. It was amazing and since I moved to florida I stopped bring my camera everywhere... Partially because now I didn't have access to a dark room and couldn't make the art on my own. Now I have a decent digital (I didn't want to splurge on a fancy one if I didn't feel like converting) so now what I need is a good photoshop program and a way to print my photos. So anyway that is part of the problem. But still there isn't much excuse. Two years ago photography was my life and now my camera is buried in a drawer somewhere. I'm busting it out this weekend and taking more than necessicary photos.

Part of the reason I realized that I am totally uninspired is because my best friend and soul mate just have birth to an amazing baby girl. She is by far one of the strongest women that I know. I love and adore her to pieces and now she has brought this tiny fragile person in to the world. She is pretty much raising the baby on her own and granted the baby is less than a week old but Mandy is doing an amazing job. I have no doubt in my mind that she is going to be an incredible mother. Babies are inspiring. New life, first breath of air inspiring. This baby has helped me realize that just moving from day to day without any change or excitement. That not picking up my camera for the amazing shot of the moon. And not writing when thoughts enter my head. All things that I used to do... That not doing them now is just making me lazy. Its making life boring. I have allowed my life to get to this wallow in my own self pity place. Its unacceptable! I am so pissed off at my lazy self. In fact my lazy self is freaking grounded until it can pull itself together. I am taking my life in my hands. No one else is going to make me do it... Uh duh. What the hell have I been thinking? That some fairy god mother was going to show up one day and put me in a pumpkin turned carriage and suddenly my life would just turn itself around?! NO! Come on Amanda wake the fuck up and smell the god damn corporate coffee. I've had enough of me and its time for change. In the words of our inspirational president... YES I CAN!