No matter how far I run

So the last few days, and probably unknowing to me longer, i have been an outright bitch to just about everyone for very few logical reasons. yesterday i blamed PMS, today I'm blaming my depression. I thought I'd kicked its ass and outsmarted it by moving to a state with no snow. After years of Seasonal Affect Depression finally i went a whole year without it, then, come hurricane season in south Florida and BAM! it fucking found me. Maybe its the fact that it has rained everyday for three weeks, and I'm not talking drizzling or tut tut looks like rain type of rain, I'm talking god is smiting us, end of the world kind of rain. and oh yeah not actually a hurricane. so I'm REALLY excited to see what that's like. Maybe its the fact that i have been so stressed out with school that i haven't really had time to do anything but stress about school. Maybe its the fact that i hate... no wait... HATE my job. I don't honestly think that i can rationally face another day in this hell hole. I have a strong feeling that if i don't leave soon spending time around Jamie's family just going to continue to get worse. i don't care who you are five days a week from nine to seven with your boyfriends mother is to much. way to fucking much. and now with my day off we've had to commit to Sunday dinner at grandmas, with his much crazier aunt. oh joy. my one fucking day off and we get to spend it with his family... again. I know that its really none of these things that are directly affecting my depression, its my depression that makes these things absolutely unbearable. Today is kicking my ass, for some reason I'm sitting at my desk writing this wanting to scream, pull my hair out, cry and yell at you to SHUT THE FUCK UP! because its the only way it could come across nicely. Obviously can't do it, its just not nice. so i bit me tongue and believe me its starting to bleed.



So what can i do to fix this? bottom line one thing i know will help, eat better, work out, take better care of myself... because I'm not. but that takes motivation, motivation that i don't have. I need to find another job, i don't even care if that means working at Starbucks, actually that's more rational than working here, its close to home (within walking distance), probably pays better, and i don't have to work with Jamie's mother or my stupid idiot of a boss. I. Can't. Handle. This. Shit. Anymore. and if i could just leave, i would but i can't, i can barley make rent as it is this month because of my shit paying job, so until i find anything else I'm stuck, here. and it doesn't matter how much I've worked for that good mood and how positive I'm trying to be, here, it only lasts a maximum of ten minutes, if even.



I get that i sound like a raging bitch, and maybe i am being uber selfish or rude or whatever but i have to at least try to get it off my chest because when it comes to stuff like this some things just can't be said out loud to anyone. so I'm outlouding to the Internet, which i don't really think gets read anyway. so there.



oh and Jamie wants to quit smoking, the thought alone of quitting makes me want two.
So i'm going to indulge.