I am a bad blogger. why? because I've become afraid of how people are going to react to what i will write. except then when i do that, when I hold it all in, and bottle it all up. it pulls me right back to that scary dark hole. because if I'm so afraid of how people will react then shouldn't i feel guilty for thinking those things anyway? yes. yes i do.
I am starting to hate Florida. for many reasons a few of which i won't actually write about, (or talk about at the moment for that matter. so please don't ask when I'm ready to talk about it i will.) but back to the hating Florida. So many benefits in the beginning... I'll be so close to the beach, I LOVE the ocean! I'm going to go all the time. i think i can count the amount of times I've been to the beach in the year and a half that I've lived here on both hands. so that benefit goes out the window. next. i enjoy going to Disney, fun play time etc... but not all the time. its not life, and for so many people around me these days it is. and i don't really grasp that concept. like i said i like to go. but its no reason to stay. but I'm going to stop counting reasons why i hate Florida, lets name reasons i want to leave. or rather, go home.
Lesson learned. You never know what you have until its gone, or at least removed. Changing seasons. it seems so simple! spring, summer, winter, fall. Utah has all four very distinct seasons... beautiful seasons! Florida is summer. all the god damn time. and about a month of cold weather that still looks like summer. Christmas and no snow. are you freaking kidding me? Next. My siblings. I have three younger brothers, the oldest graduated high school and is now in college, he is probably my best friend. i adore and miss him. the middle brother started high school this week and at the end of the season last year received the MVP awarded for his talents as the captain of the basketball team. the youngest brother is in sixth grade this year. i can't even believe it. I adore my brothers more than i can express. and I'm missing it.... everything. every basketball or soccer game, graduations, family dinners and vacations, camping trips and deep conversations over a glass of wine with my amazing parents. I'm missing all of it.
Growing up I was the girl that pushed my girlfriends out of my life whenever a guy came into my life, i have lost a lot of amazing friends over the years because i suck at keeping in touch. I've been thinking about bridal parties, ( for if and when i need to think about this). i know of one person i for sure want in my wedding party. one. this to me is an issue.... shouldn't the issue really be trying to pick and choose who are the closest women in your life to have in your bridal party? not trying to fill the spots to make you look slightly less pathetic. officially I'm going to start reaching out to the people i miss from back home. but they have lives to live and I'm not there to be apart of it so i understand that this may be a difficult task. yes i do understand that. what about friends here you ask. ha. its hard to make friends when you never leave the house. i managed to make a handful of friends in Orlando, but west palm is a much much harder place to make friends. i don't know why. or i do but its not the point. the point is if i were home i could at least attempt to rebuild the relationships that I've managed to so very successfully flushed down the toilet. yeah. really.
Do not get me wrong. I am in the relationship of my life right now. I am in love with an amazing person. no ifs ands or buts about it. i am enjoying my job. at the moment Jamie and i are on completely opposite schedules we try to see each other for maybe a half an hour before i need to go to bed, and that's if i manage to stay awake long enough. Its hard for me to sit alone, stranded at the apartment all night doing nothing but watching TV, playing video games or maybe working out on my wii fit when i have the motivation to get off my ass. i do laundry, clean the entire apartment, alone. and some days i want it spotless and others i loose the motivations to do anything because why fucking bother? because if one out of three is making the effort its not going to do any good. at all.
Keep in mind this is a rant. because its been to long, I've been having a hard day, i miss my family so much it hurts. I want to hike and ski and watch my baby brother kick ass in a soccer game. I want everything to make sense and for many more reasons than what i am able to write about it doesn't. at all. and quite frankly i really don't like it. really. I stay because i am in love and i know we can work it out. I know its a matter of time and that it will all work out the way its supposed to. I know this. but the fear keeps me irrational. totally scared shit less irrational.
I need the mountains, i need comfort, I need the gross salt lake smell, i need a city where it is totally normal to ride your bike to work and not own a car. i need a city where you can sit in a local coffee shop and make new friends. i need a city close to my old friends. I need a city where i can thrive. I need a city where I can raise my family. I need a city that is my city....
That city is not here.
In July i had a tattoo of a labyrinth put on my back, It means a lot of things to me, the labyrinth its self signifies my life journey, my path that no matter what will lead me to where I'm supposed to be even if i feel like I'm going in the wrong direction, i will always be heading in my path. the cherry blossoms that frame the tattoo are imperfect. petals are falling off, moving on, pieces of their life changing. It may sound cliche but this tattoo is what is going to keep me going through this. It is a reminder of why I'm here and what I'm doing....
And what my next step will be....
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