Slacker.

Four months?  seriously?! Okay so i've been slacking.  The promise or at least honest effort to write daily apparently failed.  Yup. Failed. So... Take two. Go.  

Uh.  i don't even know where to begin.  Lets start with all that I haven't been saying.  Basically boils down to why i haven't been writing.  Everything has been slightly less than desirable lately and writing about it and knowing close friends and potentially family are reading makes me nervous.  I don't like to make people worry.   But really thats just projecting.  I'm assuming that everyone will worry. Anyways.  Relationship front is still amazing and wonderful so no worries there.  Just about everything else however seems to be... flat. stagnant. dull.  Not that it has changed all that much.  A few major changes that I'm still not "allowed"  to talk about publicly.  In time... But enough of that.  arg. okay I'm blocked again.  

I need my people.  I am fed up with being alone so much of the time.  The roomie is moving back to Orlando sooner than we thought which is fine considering its better for him and we will have our own place again.  I mean its been fun having a roommate but its time that we have our own place again.  Except that hes one of the only people i have... pretty much in the state.  Everyone i was supposed to stay in touch with which didn't happen.  And i've managed to make all of two friends in the South Florida.  Two. and both of which i've never actually spent time with outside of work/ family functions.  I used to be socially capable of making friends,  going out, meeting new people etc... but now I'm constantly locking myself up in the apartment to spend hours on the couch.  Its so unlike me to pretend day to day that the things i do on a daily basis are by choice.  or for a lack of better word capability.   My job?  I hate it.  i've stayed for far to long in a job that makes me miserable.  I enjoyed it at first but I'm to young to be working a 9-5 desk job.  Not to mention the bull shit i put up with on a daily basis.  Not the point... Point is why am I still there?  Lack of options.  No car means that getting me from point A to point B without being able to rely on others means that unless the job is in the light of day and within a reasonable walking distance i can't change it.  not for at least another oh two months... maybe three.  Not until we can move again... to somewhere cheaper.  which also means slightly less safe neighborhood.  which believe me is not ideal considering new circumstances.   basically i can't change jobs until i can afford a car payment.  I also want to go back to school.  full time.  no more of this taking time off crap.  It hasn't been for me,  Its been sacrifices for what needed to be done. Hence the 9-5. I need to start fighting for me.  Doing what i want to do. Stop living my life because i think I'm making other people pleased, proud, or happy.  I can't do it for them.  I have to do it for me.  Make the Change.  

Remember that labryinth that i talked about four months ago... I'm in the thick of it,  deep, dark and scary.  Right now there is not light at the end of the tunnel.  As long as i have a few hands to hold on to I'll make it back to the bright and shiny.  Until then... 

Signing off as DarkandTwisty.