Heart vs. Head.

You told me tonight that you think I'm making decisions with my head. Not my heart. I would like to point out the facts. Nothing... I repeat... NOTHING about this is easy. Packing up my life into boxes. Literally 10 boxes and one or 2 suitcases, walking out of our home, the home i've known for two years. The home WE built together. Leaving that was not easy. In fact it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. None of that was done in a heartless manner. My heart was very much involved.

My head is being the rational one. While my heart is following suit it is also the one that is questioning. Which in my opinion is perfectly normal. If I wasn't doubting just a tiny bit I would be concerned. I think everyone would be. But the truth of the matter is... My heart and my head are actually on the same page. I told you earlier that since i was 17 and coming out of hell in my life... overcoming some of my biggest obsticles I made the promise to myself. That I woud always fight for my happiness. Always.

Somewhere along the way I stopped being happy with you. I was short. I was bitchy. I was lazy. I was one foot out the door when I decided that it wasn't over yet and that we needed to give it one more shot. One more. Because I knew that was all my heart could handle. So I did. I told you how I was feeling and where I was at with it. But apperantly my english wasn't clear. You didn't hear me very well. You thought it was fixed, and I knew it was still broken. Our communication was essentially non-existant. You didn't ask. I didn't tell.

I had had enough. You accuse me of not fighting for it with everything I had. I did. I can promise you that. Wether or not you see it that way isn't up to me. I can only put it in words and hope that you hear me. I fought for a very long time. The problem here is that by the time that I walked out the door I was done. I knew when I closed the door behind me and locked it that that was it for me. That I wasn't coming back. This is when you realized how broken we really were. Except that you are a fixer. You want it fixed. I can't really blame you for trying. I did. Just not at the same time.

We had so many problems that after a while they all started to blur together. My Head was trying to work out how to leave. The details. My heart was trying to work out the sea of emotions i was feeling. You told me tonight that you thought it was too easy for me. That leaving was too easy. I repeat. NOTHING about this is easy! If it was then we had bigger problems.

The biggest problem. I fell out of love with you. When I honestly can't say. But I know that I did. Once I realized that, I realized that I stopped fighting for it, for us. It was at that point I decided that I need to fight for me. For my life. For my happiness. I know that its not easy on you. I couldn't pretend for a second that I know what its like to walk into that apartment everyday. But don't pretend like you know what I am going through either.

I don't expect you to understand anymore. You told me more than once that you will support my decison not because you want to but because its what I say I have to do. Thanks. But I don't need your support. I have support. From myself.

I can tell you right now that if I were doubting my decision at all. AT ALL. that I wouldn't be sitting in this empty bed, in a strange room, in a strange house. I would be with you at home. I'm not doubting. My head and my heart are together in this decision. I don't like to advertise my emotions for the world to see on Facebook. Its just not me. My blog however is different. Even though no one reads it this is where I go to write it out. I've been holding back from writing it. for a long time. through ALL of this... for months. But thats done now. If you are afraid of what you might read here i'm going to warn you now to spare yourself.

I know that I am making the right decision. No one has made it for me. No one is helping me along. I'm not running. I'm not running away from something or towards something. I'm taking my life back into my own hands because its what I have to do. Maybe you won't ever understand. In a way I feel like Ihave to stop helping you. So maybe thats next.

Unlike several other experiences in my life... My heart and my head are not batteling. They are on the same team. I'm sorry that your heart got caught in the crossfire. Truly. I never wanted to hurt you. But sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes life hurts. I am confident that you will be okay. I think you know that too. At least I hope you do.