Friday, June 25, 2010

9 months.

Nine months. A lot can happen in nine months. And so much has I don't even know where to start. Except to clarify that I did not have a baby. There is no way to sum up the last 9 months in one blog so eventually I will come back to that. I've grown, I've changed, I've learned to love again, I've learned to love myself again and most importantly... I'm happy again.

I've been meaning to start writing again for a long time now but could never find the right words. Not that I really have them now but I'm looking for them. Granted I am struggling through a relatively frustrating situation right now so I'm trying to work through it. Trying to get back on top. I've spent the last nine months getting happy... with only one thing to really hold me back. Pain. The same pain I've talked about often. Except that it was getting increasingly worse. So last time I went to the doctor and asked yet again if there was anything we could do... he said that the next step was to "go in and take a look around". Surgery. So when I had had enough I was supposed to call and book it.

It took about 6 weeks for me to hit a wall. To finally break down and schedule the surgery. I was tired. Tired of being in pain, tired of not being able to go on a hike or a long walk, tired of not being able to have sex without it almost immediately hurting afterwards, tired of not feeling normal. I hit the wall, I broke down and booked the surgery. I booked it because this was going to give me an answer. It was going to give me a solution. I was finally going to be fixed.

Literally up until I was wheeled off into surgery my spirits were high. I was going to be fixed. I wasn't scared of what they would find, I wasn't scared of the recovery or the pain. I was just looking forward to the answer. My answer. My solution.

Once I came out of surgery I found out that the answer I thought I was going to get was... well... the same thing I've been told for the last few years. Cysts. I was told by several doctors thatbirth control would keep the cysts from growing. But now I'm being told that birth control usually keeps them from growing. Usually. Funny that this is the first time anyone has used this word to me.

I go into see my doctor in a few weeks for a follow up and to discuss any options. But according to him some women are just in pain until they go away. Do you know what that means? Babies. That's what that means. Most women that struggle with cysts in their 20s, me, have them go away when they start popping out kids. Needless to say I feel like I've hit that wall again... except this time... there is no solution. There is no quick fix or way out. There is no answer.

So today has been a day of emotional reconstruction. Trying to find ways to get positive and motivated to continue to live my life in constant pain. This won't be easy but I'm trying. I let myself hit a low point yesterday but I've also convinced myself that that's as low as I'm allowed to get. Period. Its not going to do me any good to feel sorry for myself. And who knows maybe we will find something that works.

I've spent nine months getting happy again. My life is full of color and good people. I am not about to let that... any of that get away from me now. I have learned how easy it is to let it get away. I have worked to hard for too long to let that happen again. Dark and twisty for a day. That's all you get. Sure there will be other bad days. It goes along with having a pulse.