Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Staying Positive.

Right now in my world my emotions are super back and forth. It seems that my typical indecisiveness is being taken to a whole other level. I'm not sure that I can pin point it on any one thing. First there is the chronic pain issue. Which of course is still unresolved. After recovering from surgery I had about a week... ONE WEEK of no pain. In that week I couldn't sit still. Being pain free was totally liberating. I played soccer, I went for walks everyday, I enjoyed every minute of working a 13 hour day all because I did it without pain. Keep in mind it has essentially been years since I was able to do that. About three days ago I was laying on my bedroom floor trying to decide what to do on a Saturday night when I felt it. That all too familiar pain. ugh. I went to the doctor today and we are trying something new. Fingers crossed that its successful. They gave me the Depo shot. Which is basically three months worth of birth control injected into your hip, let me just say how much it freaking hurts! Right before she injected it I was asking how much it would hurt because I hate shots... thats when she noticed my tattoo and said something to the effect of "wait your complaining of a little poke when you've got that big thing on your back... come on Amanda this is nothing." and she was right... it was nothing. But as the night rolls on it feels like something the size of a golf ball is growing and turning in my hip and oh man is it sore. Anyway... in the world of effectively trying to stay on top of it all... regardless of pain I am still out there. Still playing. Granted I may have to give up a little sooner than I would like, Say for example half way up a mountain, but at least I'm doing it. My motivating factor is that one day it will be better. Notice how I say will be and not might be, despite what my doctor says. I won't let this control my life anymore. I refuse. I have too much life to live and too little time to do it.

One of my favorite people and best friends sent me a message today that was totally inspiring. It was as if she wrote it knowing that it was going straight into the deepest part of my being to shine a little bit of much needed positive light in there. Molly has changed my life in more ways than she knows. She was an inspiration to me before I even knew I needed inspiring. Before we even began to call each other friend. She is a force to be reckoned with and a person I plan to know for as many days as our lives allow us. These are her words of wisdom...

We are all full of dialogue, inner monologue that fills up our brains and infects our space. We drift along in the space time continuum warp known as our brains, prisoners to the very barriers we ourselves erect. We concern ourselves with thinking about farcical things that could be, should be, would be; and than we erect those fallacies and spew them as truth. An undying loyatly can go so far for someone who is uneducated concerning the snake-like twists of man’s inner soul. It’s so much easier to believe what we are told, to re-tell what we have heard rather than to think for ouselves. To follow in the steps of someone with a large personality but a small heart is so much easier than to forge our own path, uphill, through the ripping brambles. To be our own person is seen as impossible, but to be someone else for someone else is so easy, like a second skin, a warm coat on a cold winter night, or a snuggly partner on a lonely night. To seek what our own soul desires requires inner reflection, inner reflection means delving into the deep darkness that is our internal us. If we don’t look long enough all we see is darkness, our mental eyes don’t adjust fast enough and we rip ourselves free of the void, slamming and locking the yawning chasm behind us. To be free from the darkness is a price we will pay to blindly follow those with big feet and bigger personalitities. But suppose we stood, and we look around us, shut our eyes, mumbled to 100 and than re-opened our eyes, what would we see? Not dim, dank, darkness, but a spreading golden glow, light at first as we are unaccostumed to it’s brilliance, your inner you doesn’t want to scare you, she wants to enlighten you, enliven you, enrich you. She wants to fill you up with her joy so that you can spew forth goldness and glory rather than hate filled chunks. To be in tune with ones self is a rare and precious gift, it cannot be overcome by minor trivialities or setbacks so long as you know that you are following YOUR dream, not the standard line and reply of another persons step-by-step instructions. To be free, truly free, one must embrace the darkness to find the gold.

I am in a far better place in my life than when I first met Molly. I have come so far. I have to thank the women in my life for that. Mandy, Emily and Molly. These women have saved me, shaken me, inspired me, comforted me, supported me, and most of all they have loved me as much as I have loved them. I truly believe that one of the only things that gets us through it all, the good the bad and the ugly, are the people you surround yourself with. I can't put into words the life saving qualities that each of these women posses. So in my own way... Thank you ladies, for all that you are, for all that you do, and for everything you have given me. Each of you has changed me in a way that means the world. You are my people, I need you in my life.