Friday, August 13, 2010

ah honey honey.

Its been so long since I've felt this I'm not even sure where to begin. I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I had lost, someone/something/some feeling, the way I have today. This afternoon, this hour, this minute. This feeling of wanting nothing more than to feel nothing at all. Numbness=bliss. Now I know that this is not the way to go about it so I have limited myself to two glasses of tasty white wine. I have illuded to the feelings and to my current emotional state. I am trying to define what those emotions are. First I'm sad, really just devestated. Second I'm angry, cheated. Third just hopeless. I am always, to a fault, willing and ready to jump in head first to something new. A new fling, new relationship and almost always ready to fall in love. However I am rarely the one to be left. I am usually the one with one foot out the door bags packed ready to go before they even see it coming. The last time I had my heart hurt this way I was 18. I knew it could happen, but didn't necessicarily believe it would. Not because I'm cocky or think I'm too good to be leave... not at all, that's obsurd. I think that because it had been so long I forgot how easily it can happen. And well you get the idea... it has. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Since the first kiss I knew I was in trouble. He knew it too.

It was fast and it was real and it was scary. But it was good. I said more than once in gushing girl conversations that I knew from that first kiss that I was giving him the power to to hurt me and I was scared he would. I was constantly intimidated by him. Which was new. He made me want to be the best possible version of myself. Which in turn drew out insecurities I wasn't even aware of. Or at least I thought I had overcome them. These things also scared the shit out of me. In my best efforts to be me. The real version. I opened myself up to the potential of the frame by frame romance that was starting to come to life. There are several conversations that made and secured this for me. One inparticular... I had a nervous feeling that this may be all in my head and my head alone. In an effort to protect my already open self I point blank said in short... I am notin this to screw around. I am crazy about you and I think we could/can have something really good here so if that is not where your head is at then tell me. Right now. Here is your out. At that point he stood up from my bed crossed the room, cradled my face in his hands, looked me good and hard in the eyes and in the most sinciere tone told me that he was in it. That it scared the shit out of him but that he knew it was too good to let it go. Then he said that he had a feeling that this was so much bigger than either of us could wrap our heads around. This conversation gave me obvious hope and confidence about where we were headed. All I can do now is wonder what happened to that conversation, that look, the kiss that sealed it all.

I am in no way saying that he was the one, who knows that, or if we would have survived a year. But what I am saying and can say with a little bit of certainty is that we, he and I, have been cheated of something. Whatever that was or is or could be. We were cheated of it. I keep hoping that he will show up at my door. Which I know is unrealistic and very fairy tale-esk... and this being the other side of whatever that fairy tale looks like... a week at the beach just couldn't come fast enough... less than 36 hours and I will be on an airplane which will hopefully help cushion all of this. Whatever this is. Or was.